The Ugly Truth

It has been quite some time since I sat down to simply blog it out.  I have honestly been so consumed and lost by the struggles life has been throwing at us since we moved back to Utah that I haven't felt like doing the things I love.  Which is really quite silly, because when life gets extra hard is probably of the most important times to take a little time for ourselves.  Some days I wake up feeling completely defeated and others I try to tell myself things aren't going to get better unless I put one foot in front of the other and try to kick life's ass.  Since October, we {quickly} ran out of the little nest egg we called a savings, Zac's job with Midstates turned out to be the complete opposite of what we had hoped {and been told} it would be, we struggle to keep food in the kitchen and heat in the house.  Every month when the first rolls around we are faced with the possibility of becoming homeless.  We have been scammed out of $1,500, and totaled the car, which ended up leaving us with a car payment and no car.  So yeah, life is pretty damn tough {financially} right now.  We are doing the best we can with what we have.  Zac is going back to work with Sunroc, and I have {almost} secured a job that has a great opportunity of turning in to a career.  It is definitely going to take quite some time to get on our feet, but I have to believe it will happen somehow, someway, sometime.
Even though life has been testing us as of late, we are still very fortunate to have the things we do have. Starting with our families.  Our little family is beyond blessed with the love compassion we receive from those people in our life.  My parents have gone WAY above and beyond what any parents should have to, to help us and make sure our two little boys are taken care of.  It's quite scary to think where we could be if it wasn't for them.  They have given up a lot for us, from providing Christmas for the boys, their time when they take care of our kiddos and help us with whatever we ask, to letting us take over their home when we have been in between or in need.  Most of all their unconditional love is something we don't ever take for granted! Truthfully, they are amazing souls. Never once having made us feel like losers, or guilty for the help they have provided.  I will never be able to express to them just how very thankful we are toward them, but one day we WILL pay it forward.  Not only are we blessed with my parents, but  Zac's dad has been there for us during the difficult times as well.  He drove all the way out to Braodus, with trailer in tow, just so we wouldn't have to deal with renting a moving truck and such.  He has pushed to get Sunroc to hire Zac back so quickly, even after they just laid off several other workers for the Winter.  He is constantly leaving bags of goodies on our porch for the boys, along with other countless selfless gestures.  It would take me way too long to list all of the many people we are blessed with in our lives, and I don't think I would ever be able to cover everyone.  I have to include the two biggest blessing we have in our life, though.  Our two little stinkers who run around giving us a daily headache but fill our hearts and home with more love than we could have ever imagined, is what keeps us going.  Our two little boys are why we do what we do.  They are everything, and we are very very lucky to have been blessed with happy, healthy boys.  Those days I wake up defeated, I look at those two little boys and know I have to keep pushing on for them! Isn't it amazing how carefree kiddos are?  Seriously, they have no idea what struggles we are going through right now.  They just wake up and are happy as pigs in shit to be able to play with their toys and be together.  They never complain about having to eat peanut butter from the jar, because frankly that is all we have.  They don't cry about us not taking them to do many fun things, they just make their own fun with what they do have.  Oh, how I have so much to learn from those two little humans.
So yeah, life is hard for us right now, there is no doubt about that.  Life is hard on everyone, in different ways.  It has to be, or how would we learn and grow?  We wouldn't appreciate the simple, good times for what they are if we didn't have hard times.  We will make it through all of this.  With a lot of hard work and motivation, it has to get better. I am amazed by the number of people who actually read our silly little blog. I don't know who reads it, or even why any one really cares to read about our life.  But since people do, I hope this post isn't being portrayed as "poor us."  I'm simply putting this all out there because, I like to be real and honest in all aspects of life, especially when it comes to the blog.  I strive to be as vulnerable and real as possible.  It's scary to put such ugly hard truths about our life out there like this, but I do it because I know we aren't alone in our struggles, nor in our happiness.  I know there are SO many people who are going through similar trials, and hopefully someone can find comfort in being able to relate to a regular 'ol person such as myself.  Keep on keepin' on, we've got this!      

 

Risk or Regret

    "Marriage is hard," they said.  I never quite understood why people said this, or what they really meant by it, until close to four years in to our marriage.  Whenever I heard this phrase it's like I was almost offended.  I would think to myself, "perhaps you're not married to the right person, then?"  As the years are passing, naturally our marriage is faced with new life challenges.  Such has brought a new understanding of what "they" meant by the saying.  Marriage actually IS hard, indeed.  Having {small} children can be very tough.  Living hundreds of miles away from everything we've ever known can also be extremely difficult.  Although these have proven to be strenuous, I believe such trials are necessary to grow and to learn.  To grow as a person, a family, and a couple.  To learn the value of working together, learning each others strengths and weaknesses, and to learn just how much we do need each other.  Of course, there are times I'd rather it be easy, but what would we learn from that?  How would our marriage grow?  I sincerely believe our relationship would not be as strong as it is today without the disagreements we have every now and then, or without having to work together to make it through the hard times. 
     Zac has lived in Montana for just over three months, and the boys and I arrived just three weeks after him. I wont hesitate saying the first three weeks or so were some of the hardest weeks of my life.  Unfortunately, I made those first three weeks extra hard on Zacary as well.  But, we made it through.  We have adapted a new daily routine, and I can wholehearted say we are starting to enjoy this little place. We all but instantly became regulars at the IGA, coffee shop and Big Sky Lounge.  The park is our hang-out, the boys and I look forward to our daily walk to the post office to check the mail, often hitting up the library after. We have made a hobby out of finding souvenirs to mail to our friends and family.  We have grown to adore the little Corner Store where the cute old man, Ken is always delighted to talk with Drayze as he chooses his treat.  We even fancy the extra loud siren that sounds each day, right at Noon. Broadus, MT has grown on us. 

 

Ken

    Undoubtedly, as luck would have it, Zac's job is sending us back to Utah for the winter.   Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled to be going home.  It's just, right as we are settling in, and starting to enjoy this move, it's time to go.  Just another element to test our marriage.  If I'm honest, the first week or so of learning we would be moving, I was relatively mean to Zac. Ok, so I was utterly mean to him.{I'm sorry, babe.  I'm not proud.}  I'm learning to recognize when I am overly stressed, I take it out on my husband in a unfair way. In a way, acting as though he has control of these negative aspects taking place in our life at the time.  This isn't true, in fact, it's quite the opposite.  He has been surprised just as many times as I with this new job.  He can't predict what they are going to have him do, or where they are going to send him, any more than I can.  Even more aggravating is the crazy short notice we receive when it's time to up and move.  We kind of knew that, accepting this job though.  We knew it was going to be an adventure.  We knew this job was a gamble. We knew it was, take the risk or regret? We took the risk, and though it can be hard, we are trying to make the most of it.  Together we are making it work.  In one short week we will have this behind us, and when all is said and done, our marriage will be just that much stronger.  

    The actual act of moving is hard.  Physically hard, hard on any relationship, mentally draining, and seriously expensive!  But, boy am I excited to get home!  I can't wait to be surrounded by familiar faces and have our friends and family only a matter of a walk away.  I am thrilled to have a house that will feel like a home.  One I will be able to decorate and put that Diamond touch on.  I am over the moon to have a {fenced in!!} yard my kids can play in, and a fire place to keep us cozy through the chilling winter months.  My kids will have their cousins only a phone call away, and we will have many more options of activities to do during the indoor months.  We will miss little Broadus, MT.  Who knows, maybe one day we will come back here.  I don't know exactly what the future holds for us, I don't really even know what the next 6 months are going to look like. I do know life will continue to throw trials at us.  I do know there will be many more moments {even just with this job} that will have us questioning where our life is going.  Even so, I know without a doubt, with my boys by my side {and getting my behavior in check when I'm stressed} that we've got this!  

Life is a crazy adventure, and in the end only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.