Risk or Regret

    "Marriage is hard," they said.  I never quite understood why people said this, or what they really meant by it, until close to four years in to our marriage.  Whenever I heard this phrase it's like I was almost offended.  I would think to myself, "perhaps you're not married to the right person, then?"  As the years are passing, naturally our marriage is faced with new life challenges.  Such has brought a new understanding of what "they" meant by the saying.  Marriage actually IS hard, indeed.  Having {small} children can be very tough.  Living hundreds of miles away from everything we've ever known can also be extremely difficult.  Although these have proven to be strenuous, I believe such trials are necessary to grow and to learn.  To grow as a person, a family, and a couple.  To learn the value of working together, learning each others strengths and weaknesses, and to learn just how much we do need each other.  Of course, there are times I'd rather it be easy, but what would we learn from that?  How would our marriage grow?  I sincerely believe our relationship would not be as strong as it is today without the disagreements we have every now and then, or without having to work together to make it through the hard times. 
     Zac has lived in Montana for just over three months, and the boys and I arrived just three weeks after him. I wont hesitate saying the first three weeks or so were some of the hardest weeks of my life.  Unfortunately, I made those first three weeks extra hard on Zacary as well.  But, we made it through.  We have adapted a new daily routine, and I can wholehearted say we are starting to enjoy this little place. We all but instantly became regulars at the IGA, coffee shop and Big Sky Lounge.  The park is our hang-out, the boys and I look forward to our daily walk to the post office to check the mail, often hitting up the library after. We have made a hobby out of finding souvenirs to mail to our friends and family.  We have grown to adore the little Corner Store where the cute old man, Ken is always delighted to talk with Drayze as he chooses his treat.  We even fancy the extra loud siren that sounds each day, right at Noon. Broadus, MT has grown on us. 

 

Ken

    Undoubtedly, as luck would have it, Zac's job is sending us back to Utah for the winter.   Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled to be going home.  It's just, right as we are settling in, and starting to enjoy this move, it's time to go.  Just another element to test our marriage.  If I'm honest, the first week or so of learning we would be moving, I was relatively mean to Zac. Ok, so I was utterly mean to him.{I'm sorry, babe.  I'm not proud.}  I'm learning to recognize when I am overly stressed, I take it out on my husband in a unfair way. In a way, acting as though he has control of these negative aspects taking place in our life at the time.  This isn't true, in fact, it's quite the opposite.  He has been surprised just as many times as I with this new job.  He can't predict what they are going to have him do, or where they are going to send him, any more than I can.  Even more aggravating is the crazy short notice we receive when it's time to up and move.  We kind of knew that, accepting this job though.  We knew it was going to be an adventure.  We knew this job was a gamble. We knew it was, take the risk or regret? We took the risk, and though it can be hard, we are trying to make the most of it.  Together we are making it work.  In one short week we will have this behind us, and when all is said and done, our marriage will be just that much stronger.  

    The actual act of moving is hard.  Physically hard, hard on any relationship, mentally draining, and seriously expensive!  But, boy am I excited to get home!  I can't wait to be surrounded by familiar faces and have our friends and family only a matter of a walk away.  I am thrilled to have a house that will feel like a home.  One I will be able to decorate and put that Diamond touch on.  I am over the moon to have a {fenced in!!} yard my kids can play in, and a fire place to keep us cozy through the chilling winter months.  My kids will have their cousins only a phone call away, and we will have many more options of activities to do during the indoor months.  We will miss little Broadus, MT.  Who knows, maybe one day we will come back here.  I don't know exactly what the future holds for us, I don't really even know what the next 6 months are going to look like. I do know life will continue to throw trials at us.  I do know there will be many more moments {even just with this job} that will have us questioning where our life is going.  Even so, I know without a doubt, with my boys by my side {and getting my behavior in check when I'm stressed} that we've got this!  

Life is a crazy adventure, and in the end only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.     

 

 

  

Keeping It Real

I have grown to really quite enjoy blogging ever since I started almost three years ago.  I have fallen in love for many different reasons, but amongst the top being as though it gives me an escape when I find myself too much in my own head.  Similar to reading an excellent book, I can loose myself in a rough draft.  When I return from my mental escape, I tend to feel better about myself, and have a more positive outlook on life in general.  Another reason behind my growing love for blogging is having a safe place to document life's happenings.  Life as a mother, wife, crafter, and friend. Basically just life as a simple human.  Although I'm most definitely more of an "old-school" pen and paper kind of gal, I have great confidence the Internet isn't going anywhere.  Therefore, I find comfort in knowing our documented memories are safe here for a lifetime.  Additionally, unlike {my personal experiences} keeping a hand-written journal, I've been pretty successful at keeping the blog a positive place.  In the thick of these positive posts, however, I like to "keep it real" every now and again, and post about the reality of our day-to-day life.  Why do I do this?  In my own view, I believe it's important to remind myself, and hopefully my children {if they one day read our blog} that life isn't meant to always be easy.  Things wont consistently go our way, life will occasionally get off track, and not always will we end up where we strive to be. And that's perfectly OK.
How did we end up in this tiny tiny town of Broadus, MT? Is it going to be what we have hoped it would be?  This move has been tough on our marriage, but I can feel it pulling us closer together as well.  Zacary and I love each other with all we have.  We have a unique relationship, that's for certain.  It's rare for us to have what I consider to be an actual fight, or even for us to make a big deal out of simple disagreements.  Our marriage, like any other, is not perfect in any way.  We deal with our fair share of annoyances, stresses and conflicts.  I complain he doesn't talk to me enough.  He claims he talks to me more than he talks with anyone else.  I criticize him for the amount of time he spends not helping with household chores.  He grumbles about how I never take the time to stop and enjoy doing nothing while we are all simply home together.  One of the main reasons we decided to take this plunge and move so far away was so we could just do us for awhile.  Be a family of four, on an adventure, just us.  I can feel it improving our relationship, but at the same time I feel my individual happiness slipping.  During the hours I'm left with only my own thoughts and the conversations between myself and my three year old are the hardest hours.  The days will get easier as time goes on, I have to believe this.  It is a temporary adventure in the lifetime Zacary and I committed to each other.  I hope a lifetime is a long time, and this journey will be small when compared to time.
As far as my days as a mother, I am growing an incredible bond with my two sons.  I'm trying to be more patient as I am aware my fuse can run rather short a lot of the time.  There are so many qualities I strive to improve upon as a mother, there is no better time than now to really work on this. "Let them be little," is something I say to myself repetitively throughout the days. But, I am also raising my boys to have respect someday.  There is a fine line, I am learning.     
Life is not perfect. It's a scary, rewarding adventure.  I don't know what I am doing or how I will get through most of the days out here, but I'm doing by best to keep a positive attitude for myself and my family.  It wont ever work if I don't let it.  I have to believe, as long as we are constantly working to be the best self we can be, and giving life our all, the rest will work itself out.   

My reasons behind most everything I do.