...and now there are four!

An entire 7lbs 15oz and 22" long baby boy whom I was afraid I wouldn't be able to love in the same way I do his brother proved me completely wrong at 1:20pm on January 28, 2016. Just as I thought my heart couldn't hold anymore love, Jax Tyler Diamond filled a spot in my soul I never knew was missing, with simply the sound of his first little cry and short glimpse of his tiny features. And so his story goes....

Though {most of} my pregnancy with Jax flew by, the last month, especially the last two weeks, were such a drag. My belly was stretched as far as it could possibly stretch, my bladder constantly had me on the go {averaged about 6 bathroom visits per night}, I had zero energy, and basically wasn't ever comfortable. Ever. 

As each appointment came and went, I began growing a little discouraged as I knew my chances of delivering our baby boy VBAC {vaginal birth after (previous) c-section} was becoming less and less likely. I'm not entirely sure why I desired to deliver VBAC so badly. I think a lot of it is just because I wanted that "experience." Looking at pictures and hearing other moms delivery stories, it just seemed like the entire process of delivering vaginally is a little bit more, uhh, magical I guess you could say. Kinda funny using the word 'magical' to describe a vag being basically mutilated. It's not that I felt I had anything to prove by delivering VBAC. I don't feel like I'm "less of a woman" because my body just doesn't deliver babies that way. It's simply just something I wanted to do. Especially as we plan on Jax being our last baby. 

Well, I quickly had to kiss that desire goodbye as the doctor had given me a 16% success rate at vaginal delivery. Sure, I could have probably still tried, but to me the risks just weren't worth it. And, who wants to labor for 16 hours just to end up having a c-section anyway? Not I. One giant perk of opting for a repeat c-section is they let me schedule the delivery a week earlier than my due date. Hallelujah!! There was end in sight! 

The moment the c-section was officially scheduled, I turned in to a crazy nesting mother. Trying to get everything together, the house clean enough for a new baby, and killing time kept me busy throughout the days leading up to January 28th. We were told to arrive at the hospital at 10:00 AM and the "cut time" would be scheduled for 1:00 PM. And that is precisely what happened. 

The morning of Jax's birthday I woke up anxious as ever. All our bags were already packed. I got myself and Drayze ready, Zac loaded the car {leaving behind Jax's car seat} and we were off. We first had to drop Drayze off with Tyler and Jenilee. We arranged for him to hang out there until after Jax was born. They would then bring him to meet his baby brother, then back to their house for a sleepover. I had been struggling through the entire pregnancy accepting that Drayze was no longer going to receive my undivided attention. I didn't know how well I would do at sharing the love. I wondered for days on end how I would handle dropping Drayze off knowing the next time I saw him I would have two babies, not just him. I surprisingly handled it very well. I didn't shed a single tear. But, I do think I had turned all emotions off that morning. I felt numb to the world to be honest. This bothered me, this is not how I was supposed to feel bringing such a blessing in to the world. What was wrong with me??! 

We arrived at Mt. View Hospital {Payson} precisely at 10 AM as we were instructed to do. We first did our paperwork, and were hit with the awesome price of delivering a baby at their hospital. "...and if you would like to pay in full today we can go ahead and 'discount' the price to {around} $2,700.00" they said.  "Well, let's go ahead and set up a payment plan on that!" Haha. Once that fun was over it was upstairs to labor and delivery. "This was really happening? We are really having a BABY!? I've really been carrying a sweet human inside me for NINE months, and today he will become ours?!" I still couldn't believe it. It was all so surreal to me, still. 

I dressed in the adorable gown they provided {ass hanging out and the whole bit} then awkwardly laid in the bed waiting for something to happen. It was just Zac and I in our room for the first 2 hours or so. We sat mostly in silence, talking a little here and there, asking each other numerous times if the other one was nervous.  My mom and little sister arrived around 12:15. At this point I had an IV placed and the monitors on my belly, listening to the baby's heart beat. We waited a little longer until finally Dr. Ludlow entered the room and explained a little bit of what to expect. All I could think was, "Thank GOD it's him and not the two other doctors who they had told me was going to deliver our baby!" It was GO time!

Zac dressed in his doctor outfit, and the anesthesiologist took me {alone} to the operating room to have the spinal done. The nervousness I felt was seriously overwhelming.  As I sat alone on the operating table prepped for the spinal, I felt a little irritated and even more scared inside they didn't invite Zac back to hold my hand while the spinal was placed.  I knew if it was anything like an epidural, I could really use the support from my husband. There wasn't anything I could do about it, so I tried to make light of the situation. The room was freezing cold, but my palms were sweating. The spinal was placed, it was bad, but it wasn't nearly as bad as an epidural.  I don't know if it's just because I had been uncontrollably thinking about every possible thing that could go wrong, but I had serious doubts the spinal would numb me enough.  I laid there thinking, "In approximately 15 or less minutes a doctor is going to cut me completely open, while I am awake, and I have to hope I am numb enough by then to not feel anything." I kept waiting and waiting for the numbness to kick in, but it wasn't. I could feel the nurses touching my stomach, and I could still move my legs. I was freaking out inside.  Right as I was about to say something, the door opened and my husband walked in.  The moment my eyes met his I lost it. The nervous tears rolled out of my eyes. I couldn't look at him or the crying would turn in to sobbing.  I didn't want anyone to see me crying. I had been cracking jokes this entire time and acting as though I'm so brave.  I again numbed my feelings and tried focusing on the conversation going on between those in the room.  Zac pushed my hair out of my face, gave me a kiss and asked if I was doing ok.  I nodded yes, trying to hold back the tears. He could sense how nervous I was, he too was a little uneasy.  This was supposed to be such an exciting moment, yet it is the absolute most nervous I have ever been in my entire life.

Despite my nerves, this was happening. I could hear the doctor cutting my skin.  I was numb enough I couldn't feel them cutting, but you can feel everything else. Pushing, pulling, tugging, pressure, etc.  It sounded like they were clipping my skin with scissors, which is probably what they were doing, I could hear each and every snip.  This process seemed to take a bit longer than I remembered with Drayze. The doctor did mention I had scar tissue from my previous C-section so it was a little harder to get through all the layers.  The anesthesiologist, whom stays up by my head, explained to Zac what was going on throughout each step. "There they just broke the water, nice clear liquid is what we like to see."  We are getting so close I thought to myself, this is really happening!!?  I felt so strange inside. Not physically, mental and emotionally.  I was numb, from the inside out.  My thoughts were quickly silenced by the pain of the doctor(s) pushing, pulling, tugging and applying an extreme amount of pressure while trying to get the baby to fit through the incision they had made.  It was hard to breathe.  What is wrong, why is this taking so long I thought.. "This baby's head is not going to fit through your previous incision, we will need to cut just a little bigger."  Again with the snips. Again with the pushing and pulling.  Still with the nerves. After a few more minutes pass, the anesthesiologist tells Zac to look, "there is your baby's head!"  For the first time since the process started, my nerves began to subside and I felt a tinge of excitement.  I looked up at Zac's face, and that priceless moment is something I wont ever, ever forget.  I could see a smile behind his face mask and his eyes  filled with tears, "oh wow!" he said with so much love in his voice.  Such a proud daddy already. He had seen only the back of his son's head and already he was in love.  

Sorry so gnarly, but I personally think it's a beautiful picture

Before I had my turn to see the baby the doctor said, "He has so much hair!"  It's quite funny because that is the very first thing the doctor who delivered Drayze said during his delivery too!  It took another minute or so for Jax to be fully delivered.  Once completely out of my belly, the baby didn't start crying instantly. This scared me, but it wasn't long before he had those lungs working over-time!  Then to my complete surprise, I feel completely head over heels in love!  I cried along with the baby.  What an amazingly quick transformation of my emotions.  In a matter of a few seconds I went from numb and scared to happy and so in love!  I couldn't wait to get my hands on my newest baby boy and love on him.  I wanted to tell him sorry that I ever doubted my love for him.  

The doctors and nurses were so impressed the baby had managed to tie a double-knot in his umbilical cord.  Everyone wanted a look.  I just wanted a look at my baby!  He was having a hard time breathing on his own at first, so it took a little longer than we had planned before they would let me see him and do skin to skin.  They gave me a quick, quick glimpse of him then took him back.  Listening to him cry was still so amazing. Once his breathing was better they brought him to my for about two minutes to do some skin to skin. 

Meeting my baby for the first time, felt like I had known him my entire life.

 

First look <3

 

First kiss.

I laid there for another half hour or so while the doctors finished up.  At Mt. View Hospital, the c-section room and nursery are connected.  This is nice because I was able to hear my baby the entire time they were finishing up, and Zac was able to go back and forth between the baby and me.  This helped me feel not so alone.  It seemed like it took a lifetime for them to finish stitching me up. The medication they had given me made me extremely sleepy too.  It took all I had to keep my eyes open.  Zac showed me a few pictures of our new baby while I waited.  He was absolutely beautiful.

Pretty crazy how different they look right when they're born

Finally, I was all stitched up, and it was back to the room where we started to do some more waiting... I was so anxious to hold my baby for the first time.  This is one of the hardest things about having a c-section.  You deliver your baby but can't hold him for about an hour or so after he is born.  Zac was able to watch as he was bathed for the first time, and my mom and sister watched from the nursery window. 

These pictures are easily some of my favorites

 

Because I was so numb, I had to wait in the room for them to bring the baby to me.  Zac remembered I didn't like being alone after having Drayze so he was sweet enough to wait in the room with me after the baby was bathed.  We talked and talked.  Our nervousness at this point was completely gone, we were on a high! So much love, you can't even handle yourself.  I looked at the pictures Zac had taken over and over again while we waited.  At this point we did not know what we were going to name little Jax. I had a pretty long list of names I liked.  Zac was so sweet, he said to me, "I'll call him whatever you want babe, you name him."  ".....Except not Milo, let's not name him Milo."  I needed to wait until I was able to hold him and really look at him before I decided, but I think we both knew his name was going to be Jax Tyler before I even really decided.

They finally wheeled my baby in to the room and I couldn't wait to get my hands on him! As I held him for the first time the tears came again.  I was so in love.  I felt so bad I ever had a shred of doubt that I would be able to love him so. He was absolutely perfect in every way.  I felt so proud of Zac and I.  We made two beautiful, perfect baby boys!

Everyone else had their turn at meeting the little guy too. Watching those you've most fall in love instantly with your baby really is magical. 

 

 Zac and I were really anxious to get Drayze there to meet his little brother. We let Tyler and Jenilee know they could bring him when they were ready. I had asked Tyler if he would record Drayze meeting his brother for the first time. He completely exceeded my expectations. The video is priceless and captures Drayze's every emotion that day perfectly! I will eventually find a way to post that video on the blog. Drayze was excited to say the least. I think he mostly understood what was going on. When they arrived I heard him in the hallway say, "that's my dad!" Tyler captured this moment on video as well. The second Drayze made eye contact with his daddy he took off running to give him a big hug! Zac brought him in the room to meet his brother. Again, I cried. 

Drayze kind of became bashful toward his brother but he was excited to give everyone their presents he had picked out. He held his brother and gave him kisses. He too was completely smitten. "Holy cow!" I thought, "I have TWO babies, we are officially a family of four!" How amazing! ...and nerve racking. 

By this point we had officially decided to name our sweet new son Jax Tyler. Tyler after my brother of course. We had mentioned this to Tyler before, but he knew it was only an idea. He hadn't let that idea go since mentioning it to him. He loved the idea, but I don't think he thought we would really go with the name. I wanted to kind if surprise him with the name, so I had written Jax's full name on the little birth card they tape in the bassinet thing the hospital keeps the baby in. When he saw his name I think he was really touched and excited. And I think the name fits Jax very well. 

 

Sadly, I didn't get a picture of my dad with Jax the first day he was born. Zac's dad also came to visit but he won't hold babies until they are just a little bit bigger. ;)

The next two days consisted of bonding with our new baby. Trying to heal myself, (This time around was MUCH more brutal) and ultimately getting home so we could figure out this family of 4 gig. 

Drayze has adapted extremely well with being a big brother and can be so much help. He sure loves his baby brother. 

Jax has been a great baby. He is a bit fussy during the days, but sleeps like a champ through the night (waking only 2 times usually to eat) so I can't complain. 

Our life and family is complete now. We are so blessed and are excited to watch our boys grow together! 

 

 

 

 

Week 8: Express gratitude to 3 people

I know, I know, I have been falling WAY behind on the Gratitude Challenge, but I have not given up! I've pondered and pondered which three people I want to highlight for this topic. Again, not an easy decision, but I decided since I have three {biological} siblings what better time to finally write about each one of them.  Actually, I have had a draft saved about my siblings for months and months now. It's quite a long draft. Being as I have so much love and gratitude for each one of them, I haven't felt as though I had perfected putting these emotions in to words well enough to post just yet. Today, I have accepted it's not possible to completely put this kind of love in to words, so bare with me as I simply just do my best.

Tyler
Tyler, my two year older brother, is a head on, optimistic, determined, smart ass. For the first six years of my life it was just the two of us. We spent our childhood being both friends and enemies, as I believe most siblings are when they are kids.  Since it was just the two of us kids for so long, we did everything together.  This resulted in a friendship that is irreplaceable.  Consequently,  it also resulted in a lot of disagreements and fighting.  Our mother would often tell us, "You two would fight over a bucket of shit if you thought the other one wanted it!" As we grew a little older, we couldn't have grown to be more opposite as far as our interests and priorities go.  Naturally, we were still very protective of each other, especially throughout high school.  I was very particular of the girls Tyler would choose to date, and he didn't exactly "approve" of the high school relationship(s) I had either.  Looking back now, this caused more tension in our brother-sister relationship than I cared to admit then.  {Oh the high school years and relationships. SOO glad that is over.}  After moving off to college, Tyler finally found the one who would quickly receive my "approval."  This is when I feel like our relationship blossomed in to a more "mature" relationship.  We again became friends.  As adults I have been inspired by my brother more than I can express.  He has worked so extremely hard to have the career he has dreamt of.  Even when it was harder than he anticipated and more expensive than he ever expected, he hasn't given up.  He is not a quitter. I wish I could say the same for myself, but watching him work so hard on his success has inspired me to see my own goals to the end. Throughout he and his wife's infertility journey I have also learned so much about the character of my brother.  Again, his determination and will to never give up is unbelievable.  He {and his wife} have been forced to have strength I don't think they ever realized they had.  This has inspired me to not take for granted the things I have in my life.  Tyler and Jenilee are seriously amazing with kids, and are going to make the best of parents when their time comes.  If you have been reading our blog for a while, you know Zac and I have chosen Tyler and Jenilee as the Godparents of our boys.  It's because of their way of life we chose them.  They always, always do whatever it takes to make the best out of every situation.  They have always been there for us, even when if it's inconvenient to them.  Tyler is the sibling who makes sure the rest of us always stick together.  His priorities are definitely in the right place.  I truly feel like if I strive to be more like him in my everyday life, my life would be of the most positive and meaningful. 

Dedric
Dedric was born when I was 6 years old.  Though there is such an age gap between the two of us, I feel like I click with him better than most people around my own age. He too is someone I look up to in more ways than one.  He is a passionate kid who puts no limits on what it takes to achieve his dreams.  The kid is one of the kindest people I have ever known in my life.  He hasn't ever, ever been one who is quick to judge.  He truly gives EVERYONE a chance.  He is friendly, well rounded, and humble which makes him lovable by everyone whom comes in contact with him.  He has been this way, since he was just a little kid.  I don't recall ever hearing anyone say a bad word about my little brother.  He is so humble and treats everyone equally.  I'm excited to see which direction Dedric takes his life and watch what he makes of himself.  I feel like since he has graduated high school he is starting to discover who he really is.  This is amazing for me to watch since most of us have only every known him as the talented football player who plays for Juab.  He is blossoming in to a man who is expanding his interest and meeting new people.  I am so proud of him and ALL the achievements he has made throughout his life.  I can't wait to see what the future holds for him.

Deveny
Deveny is my eight year younger sister, my only sister.  I begged and begged my mom for a sister for 8 years. I wanted someone who wanted to be just like me. Someone who I could share clothes with, play with each other's hair, go shopping with, and do all those little things sisters do together.  Deveny and I definitely do most of these "sisterly" things, but our relationship isn't your typical sister-sister relationship I wouldn't say.  We are actually quite opposite when it comes to "girly things."  I don't feel like she ever wanted to be just like her older sister, like I had imagined most little sisters do. And, for that I am actually very grateful. She has really grown over the past couple of years. She is her own beautiful person. She has had such a loving heart since she was just a little girl. She was constantly wanting hugs and kisses. Now, as she has become a young woman I count on her for a lot of things. She is my right hand gal when it comes to my kiddos. She never hesitates when I ask her to come sit with them while I run to the store or simply shower. She'll frequently come to visit just because of the loving person she is. I am very proud of the person she has become. She had learned if she wants something bad enough she can make it happen with some hard work. This inspires me!

I really do owe I lot to my siblings. I feel so blessed to have always had such a close, deep, unique relationship with each and every one of them. They all bring such joy and happiness in to my life in their own special way. I cherish their friendships and value their love. I know they all have my back, through the thickest of the tough times, and even more importantly, I know they're only a phone call or short drive away when I need a good laugh with a trusted friend. I hope they always know how much I truly love them. I would do absolutely anything for any one of them. Forever. My longest, closest, best of friends I will ever have are my siblings.