That smile was actually very similar to the smile I saw pass Grandpa's face the evening before he passed away. For some reason I haven't yet documented the last conversation Grandpa and I had...
I was at my job in Provo when my mom called to say Grandpa wasn't doing very well. She said it was probably a good idea to go now if I wanted the opportunity to tell him goodbye. Grandpa had numerous, numerous times we thought it was the end of the road for him. Because of this, it was hard to know if this time was going to be like the rest and I should expect a comeback or if it really was time to say goodbye. Something just felt different this time around though. I don't know if it was something in my mother's voice or Grandpa's rapidly declining health leading up to this day, but I knew I needed to be there. I called my older brother Tyler, and together we left work and headed to Nephi.
I don't remember that car ride home. I don't remember what we talked about or if we even talked at all. In fact, I don't remember a whole lot about that entire day other than the conversation between my grandfather and I. When I walked in to the room where he was laying it was clear Gramps was highly medicated and not doing very well at all. However, at the same time, I had not seen my Grandpa that content and at peace for years and years, if ever. It's like he had finally accepted the fact it was his time. He was ready. I wish I could ask him now about his experience. Did he have a guardian angel there with him ready to take him when the time was right? Did someone say something to him making him feel ready? Was he in control of his very last breath and when he would go? What came over him that brought him so much peace which made him feel so ready? There was many times before this evening Grandpa probably could have passed, but I think it is because he was too afraid to let go that he didn't. I think he was scared of dying and if there would really be anything after life. I believe this is why in his final years of life he became so involved with the church and family history. It was the final lesson he needed to learn in life. Whatever he was able to take away from that really, really helped him when the time finally came. When my brother and I walked in to his room I honestly had no idea what to expect, and I hadn't thought at all about what I was going to say to my Grandfather in his last moments. I don't think anyone can prepare for something like that. I simply leaned over to hug my Grandfather, something I'm ashamed to say I hadn't done for a really long time. The only words I could muster up was "I love you Grandpa." My eyes filled with tears, and this was the moment Grandpa shot me that unforgettable sincere smile. He then said to me, "There will never be another you, and I mean that. You are an amazing wife and mother. Take care of that sweet little boy, and you let him know how much I always loved his mommy." I stood there speechless as the tears rolled down my face. This really is goodbye I thought. He is ready to go now, I'm loosing Grandpa. I again told Grandpa how much I loved him and that it was all going to be OK. I asked him not to go anywhere because Drayze needed to come play cars with him one more time. He didn't promise he wouldn't go anywhere, he simply just smiled at me as he drifted off to sleep once again.
I didn't know how much longer Grandpa would be able to hold on after that conversation, I knew it was only a matter of time. My Grandma and mother didn't leave his side very often. They sat next to his bed playing my Grandfathers favorite peaceful music. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they sat in silence. Grandpa continued to sleep. I have no doubt he knew he had two more people he needed to say goodbye to before he could pass. My uncle Pat and his daughter, Jaidy. Jaidy was on her mission and Pat was racing home from another state to be able to see his father one last time. Jaidy was able to arrange a phone call home to have one last conversation with Grandpa, and Pat also made it home in time to say his goodbye. I wasn't at Grandpa's house for his final passing moment, but I've been told he waited until the room was empty to take his final breath. I received a phone call from my mom around 5:30 AM saying Grandpa had passed. I knew this was coming, I had watch my phone all night long expecting this phone call. Why did it take me by surprise? Even though we had all known Grandpa's passing was a long time coming, my heart broke in to pieces when it was finally done.
The next few days were hard. Planning a funeral while mourning at the same time is almost cruel. I don't know how many times my heart sunk as I thought about those who loose a loved one sudden and unexpectedly. Suddenly you're faced with a profound loss which makes you feel so broken you don't know if you're inside your own body or not. Then, without even but a moment to try processing it all you're hit with the stress of planning a funeral. The financial stress, the emotional stress, the dealing with people and decisions you don't want to deal with, it's just too much. My heart absolutely breaks for those who have to go through this. It is amazing, however, how giving and loving people can truly be in times like these though. SOO many people brought flowers, food, gifts, they called and stopped by. They raised their flags to half staff, and someone kind enough even anonymously paid the fee to open and close the grave. The line for the viewing went down the block, people drove miles to be there and stood out in the cold waiting for their turn to give their condolences. It was amazing to see how many people love and care for my grandparents. Given the circumstances, it was a beautiful celebration of Grandpa's life.
Here we are a year later, and it's still hard to believe you're really gone Gramps. I sure hope Heaven is everything you expected and more. I know without a doubt you're watching over each and every one of us, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can't wait for you to send us our sweet baby boy in just four short weeks. I hope I will be able to see your personality in him as he grows older. I hope we are making you proud as you watch over us. Keep an extra eye on Grandma, she really get lonely without you. I hold on to the idea of Heaven and something more after this life because of you Grandpa. I love you with all I have and I'm sorry I wasn't always the best at expressing that love to you when you were here.
I don't remember that car ride home. I don't remember what we talked about or if we even talked at all. In fact, I don't remember a whole lot about that entire day other than the conversation between my grandfather and I. When I walked in to the room where he was laying it was clear Gramps was highly medicated and not doing very well at all. However, at the same time, I had not seen my Grandpa that content and at peace for years and years, if ever. It's like he had finally accepted the fact it was his time. He was ready. I wish I could ask him now about his experience. Did he have a guardian angel there with him ready to take him when the time was right? Did someone say something to him making him feel ready? Was he in control of his very last breath and when he would go? What came over him that brought him so much peace which made him feel so ready? There was many times before this evening Grandpa probably could have passed, but I think it is because he was too afraid to let go that he didn't. I think he was scared of dying and if there would really be anything after life. I believe this is why in his final years of life he became so involved with the church and family history. It was the final lesson he needed to learn in life. Whatever he was able to take away from that really, really helped him when the time finally came. When my brother and I walked in to his room I honestly had no idea what to expect, and I hadn't thought at all about what I was going to say to my Grandfather in his last moments. I don't think anyone can prepare for something like that. I simply leaned over to hug my Grandfather, something I'm ashamed to say I hadn't done for a really long time. The only words I could muster up was "I love you Grandpa." My eyes filled with tears, and this was the moment Grandpa shot me that unforgettable sincere smile. He then said to me, "There will never be another you, and I mean that. You are an amazing wife and mother. Take care of that sweet little boy, and you let him know how much I always loved his mommy." I stood there speechless as the tears rolled down my face. This really is goodbye I thought. He is ready to go now, I'm loosing Grandpa. I again told Grandpa how much I loved him and that it was all going to be OK. I asked him not to go anywhere because Drayze needed to come play cars with him one more time. He didn't promise he wouldn't go anywhere, he simply just smiled at me as he drifted off to sleep once again.
I didn't know how much longer Grandpa would be able to hold on after that conversation, I knew it was only a matter of time. My Grandma and mother didn't leave his side very often. They sat next to his bed playing my Grandfathers favorite peaceful music. Sometimes they talked, sometimes they sat in silence. Grandpa continued to sleep. I have no doubt he knew he had two more people he needed to say goodbye to before he could pass. My uncle Pat and his daughter, Jaidy. Jaidy was on her mission and Pat was racing home from another state to be able to see his father one last time. Jaidy was able to arrange a phone call home to have one last conversation with Grandpa, and Pat also made it home in time to say his goodbye. I wasn't at Grandpa's house for his final passing moment, but I've been told he waited until the room was empty to take his final breath. I received a phone call from my mom around 5:30 AM saying Grandpa had passed. I knew this was coming, I had watch my phone all night long expecting this phone call. Why did it take me by surprise? Even though we had all known Grandpa's passing was a long time coming, my heart broke in to pieces when it was finally done.
The next few days were hard. Planning a funeral while mourning at the same time is almost cruel. I don't know how many times my heart sunk as I thought about those who loose a loved one sudden and unexpectedly. Suddenly you're faced with a profound loss which makes you feel so broken you don't know if you're inside your own body or not. Then, without even but a moment to try processing it all you're hit with the stress of planning a funeral. The financial stress, the emotional stress, the dealing with people and decisions you don't want to deal with, it's just too much. My heart absolutely breaks for those who have to go through this. It is amazing, however, how giving and loving people can truly be in times like these though. SOO many people brought flowers, food, gifts, they called and stopped by. They raised their flags to half staff, and someone kind enough even anonymously paid the fee to open and close the grave. The line for the viewing went down the block, people drove miles to be there and stood out in the cold waiting for their turn to give their condolences. It was amazing to see how many people love and care for my grandparents. Given the circumstances, it was a beautiful celebration of Grandpa's life.
Here we are a year later, and it's still hard to believe you're really gone Gramps. I sure hope Heaven is everything you expected and more. I know without a doubt you're watching over each and every one of us, and for that I thank you from the bottom of my heart. I can't wait for you to send us our sweet baby boy in just four short weeks. I hope I will be able to see your personality in him as he grows older. I hope we are making you proud as you watch over us. Keep an extra eye on Grandma, she really get lonely without you. I hold on to the idea of Heaven and something more after this life because of you Grandpa. I love you with all I have and I'm sorry I wasn't always the best at expressing that love to you when you were here.
