Ubuntu

"It's not our job to raise our children to face a cruel and unusual world. It's our job to raise our children to make the world a little less cruel and heartless."

As if raising children in this day and age isn't scary enough, it seems as though humanity is loosing its shit, making this unbelievably terrifying.  Constant mass shootings, the drug epidemic across the world, unimaginable natural disasters; it's as though these horrific stories are never ending. It's exhausting to try and keep up on all the madness. However, at the end of the day, I believe in my heart there is still an abundance of good in the world. It is my ultimate goal to raise my children to be amongst the good and not live in fear. So how in the hell do I do this? I most definitely don't have this parenting gig figured out; I'm just winging it. Throughout my 4.5 years of winging it, I have learned quite a few important lessons, or tips I guess.  Probably of the most important being my children {or any child for that matter} follow by example, and the way I speak to them becomes their inner voice. Talk about pressure!! So, basically, if I'm going to raise my babies to be the kind, humbled, loving young men I so desperately strive for them to be, I need to work just as hard to be my best self. 

Sometimes we slip and fall, loosing our true North. Although it's discouraging and overwhelming, it is all part of life. The lesson when getting back up and putting the pieces back together is where the true importance lies and shapes the people we are. Imperfection is one of life's greatest gifts. 

My 26th year of life was the roughest, longest, craziest year of my life thus far, and hopefully I won't have another year remarkably close, ever! The hardships were shameful and self inflicted.  After such a year, I found it necessary to take some time to regroup and try to figure out how to get back on track as much as I possibly could. I knew this would intell a little more work than just dusting off the ol knees and trying to pick up where I left off. 

From the beginning of October to the end of November I spent 41 days in Florida, without a single familiar face, focusing strictly on working on myself. It was 41 days of a mental health boot camp, and exactly what I needed if I want to live up to my idea of my personal full Mommy potential. It was insanely challenging in so many ways. Mostly, being away from my precious kiddos and my {sexy} husband with very, very little communication throughout my stay. There were a few different occasions I wanted to throw in the towel, but I committed to this, I had to finish. I wasn't doing this only for myself but for my kids and husband just as much. 

As odd as it may sound, the experience, or the program in general, is one I  wish every person could have at some point in their lifetime, in one form or another. I feel very fortunate for the experience I was able to embrace in over this time. 5 days a week, 6 hours a day, for 41 straight days, I sat in classes/groups/therapy sessions focusing only on finding my worth and learning how to live to my best life, imperfections and all. It is an experience that is nearly impossible to put in to words. It was absolutely exhausting and, at certain times, emotionally draining. I learned so, so much about who I am and who I want to be. I pealed layers from myself I didn't realize I had. Most importantly I learned to accept and love the imperfect person I am and enjoy the life I HAVE been given. 

For nearly five years my ultimate goal in life is raising respectful boys in to men. This is an overwhelming task, especially when considering the day to day madness of it all. I never quite realized how much pressure it also puts on such small humans as it does myself. One of my own thoughts during this process was quite terrifying, although very important. I listened to others stories and told stories of my own childhood. We discussed the not so pretty moments we typically don't care to put out for the world to see. "What will my children say about their upbringings when they're in this seat?" I thought to myself. Now, I don't intend on giving them a perfect life, because where is the lesson in that? Plus, that isn't remotely how life works. However, in loosing touch with my true self, I also lost sight of this goal of raising my children right and the positive lifestyle it comes with. To be 100% real, it didn't matter to me anymore. I figured I had lost the fight, let someone else teach them about life. I almost can't believe I'm putting that dark thought out for anyone to read, but somehow I feel like I'm not the only person who has felt such a way, or similarly at least. I have also worked through those dark feelings and know how to deal with them now. 

Life is crazy hard and down right nasty at times, but I don't need to tell you this. We all experience our own imperfections. It's a matter of learning to accept these imperfections for what they're worth and trying to run with the lesson that is learned. SOOO much easier said than done, especially in the moment. I learned a very valuable coping/reaction skill while I was away. "Play the tape through." Even though we may be in a certain situation that makes us want to instantly react, it is important to take a step back and think about the cause and effect our reactions are going to have. Not only in that exact moment, but in the longest long run also. This is going to take a lifetime of practice, but the more it is practiced the more I, myself, realize how important it really is. 

I could rant all day about the amazing things I learned and how I can apply them in my day to day life and my mommy "skills" as well, but we are all unique, and we all have our own way of going about all of this. As for me and my life, I have accepted I am not perfect, nor will I ever be, and that is okay! My kids won't ever have a perfect momma, but they will have a momma who isn't ever going to give up. As long as I can walk, talk and breathe, I will not give up on myself or them. This life is too short, and the time I have raising my children to grow in to the amazing men I know they can be is even shorter! All I can do is try my best and that intels a lot of self-work too!

Whenever you find yourself doubting how far you can go, just remember how far you have come. Remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won, and all the fears you have overcome. 

UBUNTU
(n) the belief that we are defined by our compassion and kindness towards others and ourselves.