Risk or Regret

    "Marriage is hard," they said.  I never quite understood why people said this, or what they really meant by it, until close to four years in to our marriage.  Whenever I heard this phrase it's like I was almost offended.  I would think to myself, "perhaps you're not married to the right person, then?"  As the years are passing, naturally our marriage is faced with new life challenges.  Such has brought a new understanding of what "they" meant by the saying.  Marriage actually IS hard, indeed.  Having {small} children can be very tough.  Living hundreds of miles away from everything we've ever known can also be extremely difficult.  Although these have proven to be strenuous, I believe such trials are necessary to grow and to learn.  To grow as a person, a family, and a couple.  To learn the value of working together, learning each others strengths and weaknesses, and to learn just how much we do need each other.  Of course, there are times I'd rather it be easy, but what would we learn from that?  How would our marriage grow?  I sincerely believe our relationship would not be as strong as it is today without the disagreements we have every now and then, or without having to work together to make it through the hard times. 
     Zac has lived in Montana for just over three months, and the boys and I arrived just three weeks after him. I wont hesitate saying the first three weeks or so were some of the hardest weeks of my life.  Unfortunately, I made those first three weeks extra hard on Zacary as well.  But, we made it through.  We have adapted a new daily routine, and I can wholehearted say we are starting to enjoy this little place. We all but instantly became regulars at the IGA, coffee shop and Big Sky Lounge.  The park is our hang-out, the boys and I look forward to our daily walk to the post office to check the mail, often hitting up the library after. We have made a hobby out of finding souvenirs to mail to our friends and family.  We have grown to adore the little Corner Store where the cute old man, Ken is always delighted to talk with Drayze as he chooses his treat.  We even fancy the extra loud siren that sounds each day, right at Noon. Broadus, MT has grown on us. 

 

Ken

    Undoubtedly, as luck would have it, Zac's job is sending us back to Utah for the winter.   Don't get me wrong, I am beyond thrilled to be going home.  It's just, right as we are settling in, and starting to enjoy this move, it's time to go.  Just another element to test our marriage.  If I'm honest, the first week or so of learning we would be moving, I was relatively mean to Zac. Ok, so I was utterly mean to him.{I'm sorry, babe.  I'm not proud.}  I'm learning to recognize when I am overly stressed, I take it out on my husband in a unfair way. In a way, acting as though he has control of these negative aspects taking place in our life at the time.  This isn't true, in fact, it's quite the opposite.  He has been surprised just as many times as I with this new job.  He can't predict what they are going to have him do, or where they are going to send him, any more than I can.  Even more aggravating is the crazy short notice we receive when it's time to up and move.  We kind of knew that, accepting this job though.  We knew it was going to be an adventure.  We knew this job was a gamble. We knew it was, take the risk or regret? We took the risk, and though it can be hard, we are trying to make the most of it.  Together we are making it work.  In one short week we will have this behind us, and when all is said and done, our marriage will be just that much stronger.  

    The actual act of moving is hard.  Physically hard, hard on any relationship, mentally draining, and seriously expensive!  But, boy am I excited to get home!  I can't wait to be surrounded by familiar faces and have our friends and family only a matter of a walk away.  I am thrilled to have a house that will feel like a home.  One I will be able to decorate and put that Diamond touch on.  I am over the moon to have a {fenced in!!} yard my kids can play in, and a fire place to keep us cozy through the chilling winter months.  My kids will have their cousins only a phone call away, and we will have many more options of activities to do during the indoor months.  We will miss little Broadus, MT.  Who knows, maybe one day we will come back here.  I don't know exactly what the future holds for us, I don't really even know what the next 6 months are going to look like. I do know life will continue to throw trials at us.  I do know there will be many more moments {even just with this job} that will have us questioning where our life is going.  Even so, I know without a doubt, with my boys by my side {and getting my behavior in check when I'm stressed} that we've got this!  

Life is a crazy adventure, and in the end only three things matter: how much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.     

 

 

  

Keeping It Real

I have grown to really quite enjoy blogging ever since I started almost three years ago.  I have fallen in love for many different reasons, but amongst the top being as though it gives me an escape when I find myself too much in my own head.  Similar to reading an excellent book, I can loose myself in a rough draft.  When I return from my mental escape, I tend to feel better about myself, and have a more positive outlook on life in general.  Another reason behind my growing love for blogging is having a safe place to document life's happenings.  Life as a mother, wife, crafter, and friend. Basically just life as a simple human.  Although I'm most definitely more of an "old-school" pen and paper kind of gal, I have great confidence the Internet isn't going anywhere.  Therefore, I find comfort in knowing our documented memories are safe here for a lifetime.  Additionally, unlike {my personal experiences} keeping a hand-written journal, I've been pretty successful at keeping the blog a positive place.  In the thick of these positive posts, however, I like to "keep it real" every now and again, and post about the reality of our day-to-day life.  Why do I do this?  In my own view, I believe it's important to remind myself, and hopefully my children {if they one day read our blog} that life isn't meant to always be easy.  Things wont consistently go our way, life will occasionally get off track, and not always will we end up where we strive to be. And that's perfectly OK.
How did we end up in this tiny tiny town of Broadus, MT? Is it going to be what we have hoped it would be?  This move has been tough on our marriage, but I can feel it pulling us closer together as well.  Zacary and I love each other with all we have.  We have a unique relationship, that's for certain.  It's rare for us to have what I consider to be an actual fight, or even for us to make a big deal out of simple disagreements.  Our marriage, like any other, is not perfect in any way.  We deal with our fair share of annoyances, stresses and conflicts.  I complain he doesn't talk to me enough.  He claims he talks to me more than he talks with anyone else.  I criticize him for the amount of time he spends not helping with household chores.  He grumbles about how I never take the time to stop and enjoy doing nothing while we are all simply home together.  One of the main reasons we decided to take this plunge and move so far away was so we could just do us for awhile.  Be a family of four, on an adventure, just us.  I can feel it improving our relationship, but at the same time I feel my individual happiness slipping.  During the hours I'm left with only my own thoughts and the conversations between myself and my three year old are the hardest hours.  The days will get easier as time goes on, I have to believe this.  It is a temporary adventure in the lifetime Zacary and I committed to each other.  I hope a lifetime is a long time, and this journey will be small when compared to time.
As far as my days as a mother, I am growing an incredible bond with my two sons.  I'm trying to be more patient as I am aware my fuse can run rather short a lot of the time.  There are so many qualities I strive to improve upon as a mother, there is no better time than now to really work on this. "Let them be little," is something I say to myself repetitively throughout the days. But, I am also raising my boys to have respect someday.  There is a fine line, I am learning.     
Life is not perfect. It's a scary, rewarding adventure.  I don't know what I am doing or how I will get through most of the days out here, but I'm doing by best to keep a positive attitude for myself and my family.  It wont ever work if I don't let it.  I have to believe, as long as we are constantly working to be the best self we can be, and giving life our all, the rest will work itself out.   

My reasons behind most everything I do.

       

678 Miles to The Diamond's House

It has been SIX months since I've sat down and really taken the time to blog it out. Six months?! Life has been pretty wild, but good to us over the past six months.  We have set off on perhaps the biggest adventure, to date, as a Diamond family.  We picked up and moved exactly 678 miles away, or 801 if you take the scenic route like my dad, the baby boys and I {accidentally} did on our way out here.  We have just become residents of Broadus, Montana.  It was a quick decision, a shot in the dark, a gamble, and an adventure.  However, if we take it back to the very beginning, I'm talking before marriage,  Zac and I have always discussed the possibility of moving out of State.  As our family grew, naturally our financial stability grew tough.  Still, the idea of moving from of Utah remained in our conversations of the future, but seemed a little out of reach. We had discussed the idea would realistically only work if one of us had a job paying for most of the expenses of moving.  We even discussed the exact option of working for Midstates and traveling as a family wherever they would send us.  When the very opportunity presented itself, we took it.  Zac applied and accepted this job within a matter of a week.  Quick decision, indeed.  Just shy of three weeks after he accepted the position, he was to report to Ashland, MT for his first day. When I discovered this is where we would be moving I, like anyone else, couldn't stop researching the area.  I instantly grew hesitant upon learning the population of Ashland, and surrounding cities, is approximately 465! This is about how many students  made up the entire high school my senior year!  "There's no way," I thought.  We are from Nephi, which is small, but the population there is around 4,700 {six and a half years ago}.  I told Zac I refused to live in Ashland, due to the size.  We looked over the map and saw there would be a few options that would be a little bigger.  Upon Zac's arrival, we would soon learn just how deceiving maps are.  Broadus is 45 miles East of Ashland where Zac's main job is out of.  The closest city with a decent population and a little more livelihood is Miles City.  Of course Miles City is 130ish miles (one way) from Ashland.  What kind of wife would I be if I were to expect my husband to make that kind of commute on the daily?  So, here we are, in Broadus, MT.
Broadus is a cute little town in the middle of nowhere, Eastern Montana.  The town is made up of one small grocery store, a couple of antique shops, one coffee shop, a few cafes, a three lane bowling alley, a hardware store, and a handful of bars.  They, like Nephi, have one stop light.  The same red flashing four-way stop light as the 90's in Nephi.  The people here have all been nothing but nice to us, very welcoming.  The gentlemen at the grocery store have always carried my groceries all the way to my car for me.  Such a kind gesture as I'm usually towing two small children along.  Drayze has made friends everywhere we have went.  No matter the age, the size, shape or gender, you can find Drayze chatting all the ears off.  The weather here is something else! In one week I have witnessed nonstop lighting bright enough to light up the entire sky, thunder loud enough to shake the entire house, intense enough rain to create a random creek and waterfall in residents back yard, and just yesterday, hail literally the size of golf balls! Silly enough, next to having my family under one roof again, the weather has been my favorite part of being here. 
I would be lying if I didn't say this has been extremely hard, and most days I think about how I just want to go home.  It's a whole lot harder being away from our family and friends than I ever imagined.  It's strange when I truly think about it, because it's not like I spent a whole ton of time with my family or friends while in Nephi, with the exception of the last few weeks when I lived with my parents. It's knowing your loved ones are two blocks away that is the real comfort. I've struggled living in such a tiny town with minimal services/options.  Last weekend we went to Miles City, and as we pulled in I literally sighed of relief to see city and  life more familiarity. 
The days are long as I sit with my two children in a home I'm not yet comfortable in, surrounded by unfamiliar faces and an overwhelming amount of land.  I miss the life we were used to, and the people I am used to seeing so frequently.  I miss the lemonade and crushed ice from Conoco.  I miss riding my bike to the dollar store or my mom's house.  I miss driving the ladies at the credit union nuts on the daily.  But, even more than that, I missed my husband and having my family together while we spent those three weeks states apart.  More important than the comfort of being in the place I call home is trying to provide the best life possible for our family.  I still don't know if this was the right decision, I don't know if what we decided to do is best for our family.  Maybe it will all work out even better than we ever imagined, or maybe we will come home with our tail between our legs because it's not what we thought.  There's only one way to find out, and that is to try.  "You miss 100% of the shots you don't take."  Though it be hard, it will be worth it.  Even if this doesn't pan out, it will be worth the adventure.    

Finally together after 3 weeks and a 14 hour car ride!

The motel Zac was happy to not have to stay at anymore in Ashland.

Drayze is right at home, spending the majority of his time in just undies.

So much land in the "Big Sky Country"

Jax was SO good on the car ride here, will we get lucky twice? We'll see.

Handsome husband dining alone in Sheridan, WY-- another one of the closest cities to Broadus, still 2.5 hours one way.

...and now there are four!

An entire 7lbs 15oz and 22" long baby boy whom I was afraid I wouldn't be able to love in the same way I do his brother proved me completely wrong at 1:20pm on January 28, 2016. Just as I thought my heart couldn't hold anymore love, Jax Tyler Diamond filled a spot in my soul I never knew was missing, with simply the sound of his first little cry and short glimpse of his tiny features. And so his story goes....

Though {most of} my pregnancy with Jax flew by, the last month, especially the last two weeks, were such a drag. My belly was stretched as far as it could possibly stretch, my bladder constantly had me on the go {averaged about 6 bathroom visits per night}, I had zero energy, and basically wasn't ever comfortable. Ever. 

As each appointment came and went, I began growing a little discouraged as I knew my chances of delivering our baby boy VBAC {vaginal birth after (previous) c-section} was becoming less and less likely. I'm not entirely sure why I desired to deliver VBAC so badly. I think a lot of it is just because I wanted that "experience." Looking at pictures and hearing other moms delivery stories, it just seemed like the entire process of delivering vaginally is a little bit more, uhh, magical I guess you could say. Kinda funny using the word 'magical' to describe a vag being basically mutilated. It's not that I felt I had anything to prove by delivering VBAC. I don't feel like I'm "less of a woman" because my body just doesn't deliver babies that way. It's simply just something I wanted to do. Especially as we plan on Jax being our last baby. 

Well, I quickly had to kiss that desire goodbye as the doctor had given me a 16% success rate at vaginal delivery. Sure, I could have probably still tried, but to me the risks just weren't worth it. And, who wants to labor for 16 hours just to end up having a c-section anyway? Not I. One giant perk of opting for a repeat c-section is they let me schedule the delivery a week earlier than my due date. Hallelujah!! There was end in sight! 

The moment the c-section was officially scheduled, I turned in to a crazy nesting mother. Trying to get everything together, the house clean enough for a new baby, and killing time kept me busy throughout the days leading up to January 28th. We were told to arrive at the hospital at 10:00 AM and the "cut time" would be scheduled for 1:00 PM. And that is precisely what happened. 

The morning of Jax's birthday I woke up anxious as ever. All our bags were already packed. I got myself and Drayze ready, Zac loaded the car {leaving behind Jax's car seat} and we were off. We first had to drop Drayze off with Tyler and Jenilee. We arranged for him to hang out there until after Jax was born. They would then bring him to meet his baby brother, then back to their house for a sleepover. I had been struggling through the entire pregnancy accepting that Drayze was no longer going to receive my undivided attention. I didn't know how well I would do at sharing the love. I wondered for days on end how I would handle dropping Drayze off knowing the next time I saw him I would have two babies, not just him. I surprisingly handled it very well. I didn't shed a single tear. But, I do think I had turned all emotions off that morning. I felt numb to the world to be honest. This bothered me, this is not how I was supposed to feel bringing such a blessing in to the world. What was wrong with me??! 

We arrived at Mt. View Hospital {Payson} precisely at 10 AM as we were instructed to do. We first did our paperwork, and were hit with the awesome price of delivering a baby at their hospital. "...and if you would like to pay in full today we can go ahead and 'discount' the price to {around} $2,700.00" they said.  "Well, let's go ahead and set up a payment plan on that!" Haha. Once that fun was over it was upstairs to labor and delivery. "This was really happening? We are really having a BABY!? I've really been carrying a sweet human inside me for NINE months, and today he will become ours?!" I still couldn't believe it. It was all so surreal to me, still. 

I dressed in the adorable gown they provided {ass hanging out and the whole bit} then awkwardly laid in the bed waiting for something to happen. It was just Zac and I in our room for the first 2 hours or so. We sat mostly in silence, talking a little here and there, asking each other numerous times if the other one was nervous.  My mom and little sister arrived around 12:15. At this point I had an IV placed and the monitors on my belly, listening to the baby's heart beat. We waited a little longer until finally Dr. Ludlow entered the room and explained a little bit of what to expect. All I could think was, "Thank GOD it's him and not the two other doctors who they had told me was going to deliver our baby!" It was GO time!

Zac dressed in his doctor outfit, and the anesthesiologist took me {alone} to the operating room to have the spinal done. The nervousness I felt was seriously overwhelming.  As I sat alone on the operating table prepped for the spinal, I felt a little irritated and even more scared inside they didn't invite Zac back to hold my hand while the spinal was placed.  I knew if it was anything like an epidural, I could really use the support from my husband. There wasn't anything I could do about it, so I tried to make light of the situation. The room was freezing cold, but my palms were sweating. The spinal was placed, it was bad, but it wasn't nearly as bad as an epidural.  I don't know if it's just because I had been uncontrollably thinking about every possible thing that could go wrong, but I had serious doubts the spinal would numb me enough.  I laid there thinking, "In approximately 15 or less minutes a doctor is going to cut me completely open, while I am awake, and I have to hope I am numb enough by then to not feel anything." I kept waiting and waiting for the numbness to kick in, but it wasn't. I could feel the nurses touching my stomach, and I could still move my legs. I was freaking out inside.  Right as I was about to say something, the door opened and my husband walked in.  The moment my eyes met his I lost it. The nervous tears rolled out of my eyes. I couldn't look at him or the crying would turn in to sobbing.  I didn't want anyone to see me crying. I had been cracking jokes this entire time and acting as though I'm so brave.  I again numbed my feelings and tried focusing on the conversation going on between those in the room.  Zac pushed my hair out of my face, gave me a kiss and asked if I was doing ok.  I nodded yes, trying to hold back the tears. He could sense how nervous I was, he too was a little uneasy.  This was supposed to be such an exciting moment, yet it is the absolute most nervous I have ever been in my entire life.

Despite my nerves, this was happening. I could hear the doctor cutting my skin.  I was numb enough I couldn't feel them cutting, but you can feel everything else. Pushing, pulling, tugging, pressure, etc.  It sounded like they were clipping my skin with scissors, which is probably what they were doing, I could hear each and every snip.  This process seemed to take a bit longer than I remembered with Drayze. The doctor did mention I had scar tissue from my previous C-section so it was a little harder to get through all the layers.  The anesthesiologist, whom stays up by my head, explained to Zac what was going on throughout each step. "There they just broke the water, nice clear liquid is what we like to see."  We are getting so close I thought to myself, this is really happening!!?  I felt so strange inside. Not physically, mental and emotionally.  I was numb, from the inside out.  My thoughts were quickly silenced by the pain of the doctor(s) pushing, pulling, tugging and applying an extreme amount of pressure while trying to get the baby to fit through the incision they had made.  It was hard to breathe.  What is wrong, why is this taking so long I thought.. "This baby's head is not going to fit through your previous incision, we will need to cut just a little bigger."  Again with the snips. Again with the pushing and pulling.  Still with the nerves. After a few more minutes pass, the anesthesiologist tells Zac to look, "there is your baby's head!"  For the first time since the process started, my nerves began to subside and I felt a tinge of excitement.  I looked up at Zac's face, and that priceless moment is something I wont ever, ever forget.  I could see a smile behind his face mask and his eyes  filled with tears, "oh wow!" he said with so much love in his voice.  Such a proud daddy already. He had seen only the back of his son's head and already he was in love.  

Sorry so gnarly, but I personally think it's a beautiful picture

Before I had my turn to see the baby the doctor said, "He has so much hair!"  It's quite funny because that is the very first thing the doctor who delivered Drayze said during his delivery too!  It took another minute or so for Jax to be fully delivered.  Once completely out of my belly, the baby didn't start crying instantly. This scared me, but it wasn't long before he had those lungs working over-time!  Then to my complete surprise, I feel completely head over heels in love!  I cried along with the baby.  What an amazingly quick transformation of my emotions.  In a matter of a few seconds I went from numb and scared to happy and so in love!  I couldn't wait to get my hands on my newest baby boy and love on him.  I wanted to tell him sorry that I ever doubted my love for him.  

The doctors and nurses were so impressed the baby had managed to tie a double-knot in his umbilical cord.  Everyone wanted a look.  I just wanted a look at my baby!  He was having a hard time breathing on his own at first, so it took a little longer than we had planned before they would let me see him and do skin to skin.  They gave me a quick, quick glimpse of him then took him back.  Listening to him cry was still so amazing. Once his breathing was better they brought him to my for about two minutes to do some skin to skin. 

Meeting my baby for the first time, felt like I had known him my entire life.

 

First look <3

 

First kiss.

I laid there for another half hour or so while the doctors finished up.  At Mt. View Hospital, the c-section room and nursery are connected.  This is nice because I was able to hear my baby the entire time they were finishing up, and Zac was able to go back and forth between the baby and me.  This helped me feel not so alone.  It seemed like it took a lifetime for them to finish stitching me up. The medication they had given me made me extremely sleepy too.  It took all I had to keep my eyes open.  Zac showed me a few pictures of our new baby while I waited.  He was absolutely beautiful.

Pretty crazy how different they look right when they're born

Finally, I was all stitched up, and it was back to the room where we started to do some more waiting... I was so anxious to hold my baby for the first time.  This is one of the hardest things about having a c-section.  You deliver your baby but can't hold him for about an hour or so after he is born.  Zac was able to watch as he was bathed for the first time, and my mom and sister watched from the nursery window. 

These pictures are easily some of my favorites

 

Because I was so numb, I had to wait in the room for them to bring the baby to me.  Zac remembered I didn't like being alone after having Drayze so he was sweet enough to wait in the room with me after the baby was bathed.  We talked and talked.  Our nervousness at this point was completely gone, we were on a high! So much love, you can't even handle yourself.  I looked at the pictures Zac had taken over and over again while we waited.  At this point we did not know what we were going to name little Jax. I had a pretty long list of names I liked.  Zac was so sweet, he said to me, "I'll call him whatever you want babe, you name him."  ".....Except not Milo, let's not name him Milo."  I needed to wait until I was able to hold him and really look at him before I decided, but I think we both knew his name was going to be Jax Tyler before I even really decided.

They finally wheeled my baby in to the room and I couldn't wait to get my hands on him! As I held him for the first time the tears came again.  I was so in love.  I felt so bad I ever had a shred of doubt that I would be able to love him so. He was absolutely perfect in every way.  I felt so proud of Zac and I.  We made two beautiful, perfect baby boys!

Everyone else had their turn at meeting the little guy too. Watching those you've most fall in love instantly with your baby really is magical. 

 

 Zac and I were really anxious to get Drayze there to meet his little brother. We let Tyler and Jenilee know they could bring him when they were ready. I had asked Tyler if he would record Drayze meeting his brother for the first time. He completely exceeded my expectations. The video is priceless and captures Drayze's every emotion that day perfectly! I will eventually find a way to post that video on the blog. Drayze was excited to say the least. I think he mostly understood what was going on. When they arrived I heard him in the hallway say, "that's my dad!" Tyler captured this moment on video as well. The second Drayze made eye contact with his daddy he took off running to give him a big hug! Zac brought him in the room to meet his brother. Again, I cried. 

Drayze kind of became bashful toward his brother but he was excited to give everyone their presents he had picked out. He held his brother and gave him kisses. He too was completely smitten. "Holy cow!" I thought, "I have TWO babies, we are officially a family of four!" How amazing! ...and nerve racking. 

By this point we had officially decided to name our sweet new son Jax Tyler. Tyler after my brother of course. We had mentioned this to Tyler before, but he knew it was only an idea. He hadn't let that idea go since mentioning it to him. He loved the idea, but I don't think he thought we would really go with the name. I wanted to kind if surprise him with the name, so I had written Jax's full name on the little birth card they tape in the bassinet thing the hospital keeps the baby in. When he saw his name I think he was really touched and excited. And I think the name fits Jax very well. 

 

Sadly, I didn't get a picture of my dad with Jax the first day he was born. Zac's dad also came to visit but he won't hold babies until they are just a little bit bigger. ;)

The next two days consisted of bonding with our new baby. Trying to heal myself, (This time around was MUCH more brutal) and ultimately getting home so we could figure out this family of 4 gig. 

Drayze has adapted extremely well with being a big brother and can be so much help. He sure loves his baby brother. 

Jax has been a great baby. He is a bit fussy during the days, but sleeps like a champ through the night (waking only 2 times usually to eat) so I can't complain. 

Our life and family is complete now. We are so blessed and are excited to watch our boys grow together!